Nine Annoying Wedding Trends - Plus Four Heartwarming New Traditions

If you say yes to a dress by Oscar de la Renta, at least wear it all night

I have had the great fortune to attend an abundance of weddings during the last few years. Every single one has been remarkable. No better way to spend a weekend than seeing the ‘kids’ all dolled up in magical settings with stars in their eyes.

However, as a semi-retired Boomer, I feel compelled to point out a few annoying trends that have become the norm…as well as several noteworthy new tweaks.

1. Today’s weddings are in the most remote corners of the planet – Not just for the entitled. Even entry-level coders on reddit are starting gofundmes to transport themselves to Tuscany or Vanuatu for three inspiring days. These destination events are gorgeous and meaningful…but not ideal for those who can’t afford three new outfits, high-season flights and lodging, plus a Nutri-bullet from the registry. (All this, on top of the journey to the bachelor or bachelorette party in Cartagena.) Don’t feel guilty if you can’t attend - If you bail, they regale. But if you invite me, I will show up, so please get my swag bag ready.

2. You’re either freezing or stifling – Back in the day, a climate-controlled ballroom was good enough for either a bougie or boho vibe. Now, because of a confluence of environmental crises and Murphy’s law, marriages happen in hellishly unlikely microclimates. Under-pashmined guests inevitably shiver in La Jolla and those in wool tuxes schvitz in Bar Harbor.

3. They’re seven and a half hours long, not including the after party – You’ll arrive at 4pm and might get to take your excruciating shoes off by 11:30 pm. If you’re an introvert, you might need a Xanax prior to interacting with others for so long, so consider yourself lucky if you’re seated next to the blaring subwoofer

4. You starve for one half, then overeat for the rest – Whoever came up with the schedule for millennial nuptials was no doubt a practitioner of intermittent fasting. Not a morsel while you wait forty-minutes for the ceremony to commence. Then, at the ninety-minute cocktail ‘hour,’ the only way to grab a bao bun is to figure out where the servers are coming from and pounce on them before they make their rounds. When you finally move to the reception, there is an additional food delay for the grand entrance and first dance. Then non-stop gluttony – five courses, cupcake towers, sliders at midnight, plus a dozen donuts to take home. Luckily you can stay in shape by lifting chairs, conga lining, and choreographed moves to I Wanna Dance with Somebody.

5. Quirky dress codes – These make you question everything in your closet. Beach Casual. California Cocktail. Socks Optional. I thought this was just SoCal weirdness until Spicy showed up from out of state.

6. Everyone gets Covid – Finally, the pandemic is over. But not at weddings. Count on being exposed to NB.1.8.1, the new Nimbus Razor Blade Throat Variant.

7. Decent music, nightmare acoustics – Is the sound guy from Deep Purple at the mixing board? Signed, Sealed, Delivered still works. But didn’t we get a lifetime quota of Hey Ya during the bar mitzvah years?

8. Wedding Industrial Complex – This vast network encompasses dressmakers, florists, venues, planners, photographers, DJs and cupcake bakers. (Tiered cakes have left the conglomerate for mysterious reasons). So if you want a bargain, tell the pricey photographer, “It’s not a wedding, it’s our company’s team building retreat.”

9. The bride changes from a stunning gown to a white jumpsuit or mini slip. If you’re saying yes to a dress by Oscar de la Renta, at least wear it all night. Brides who agonize for weeks and months about necklines and chintz only stay in the creation for barely an hour.

—-

Heartwarming New Traditions:

1. Unforgettable Vows – Nothing pleases me more than these articulate, heartfelt displays of public affection. (But I’m relieved I didn’t have to describe how my husband’s ex’s dog almost ruined our first date.)

2. Brilliant Toasts – Ditto. Genius tributes and a chance to relive the messy moments from high school jazz band, with next-level storytelling.

3. Charismatic Officiants – No longer spiritual leaders, they are more likely to be the bride’s cousin’s funny wife who was in the Ethics Society at Wesleyan.

4. Signature cocktails – More opportunity for adorable cleverness: Here’s your chance to have a We-groni or Adderall Spritz. And why bother microdosing ‘shrooms when there are Yes-presso Martinis in da house. Cheers!