10 Cliché Hobbies for the Semi-Retired

“The climate crisis is real, but the Wordle crisis is also dire – most five-letter words have been depleted and the supply could be exhausted entirely during this decade.”

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After 45 years of a demanding career with nonstop unachievable deadlines, I have entered an altered universe. I wake up whenever my sleep gummy wears off. I stretch, following the demands of my Bend app. And then, after rescheduling a few doctor and lunch appointments, the day is mine.

This calls for a hobby. I am already a travel concierge for friends and family, as well as a medical researcher (Dr. Google), and an amateur ukelelist. Now, with more time on my hands, I have been dabbling in a few of the trending pastimes for AARPers:

1. Pickleball – I am intimidated to play near home because my neighborhood is filled with retired Olympic tennis players who dominate the courts. But I have given it a try on vacation, and I even own some of those deafening paddles and faux Adidas court shoes. Pickleball is hugely popular because it is a way to burn calories and feel those teamwork vibes late in life. Pure fun…until you end up in the ER, where the sport is known as crippleball. But if you don’t mind a few broken bones, this is the activity for you.

2. Wordle – Wordle is much safer than pickleball, except if you do it while driving or riding a bicycle. Beyond a hobby, it is a communal linguistic obsession. I share my daily score with four dear friends who, depending on their starter words and caffeine levels, are supportive, envious, or braggy. But, like most good things in life, precious resources are running out. The climate crisis is real, but the Wordle crisis is even more dire. Most five-letter words have been depleted. The editors have moved from normal words to a B list of scientific terms and olde English. In fact, just this week they used DATUM and EDIFY.

3. Duolingo – I can’t yet have a meaningful convo in French, but I do know where Marc and Alice get their croissants and have a laptop full of flashy badges including Level 10 Scholar. More of a compulsive video game than a language tool. Allons-y, chouette!

4. Wall Pilates – If you discuss your desire to exercise anywhere within Siri range, she hears you and invades your email and Instagram. You end up with enticing once-in-a-lifetime deals for ‘older women,’ promising to correct your posture, shed pounds, and gain energy in 28 days by doing forward and backward shoulder rolls while leaning on a wall in your TV room. But first you must take an annoying quiz about your fitness goals, pay a nonrefundable $27, and then get bombarded with dozens of similar offers for chair yoga.

5. Planning a trip – or permanent move - to Porto – Let’s face it, we are all depressed and fed up, and not having a hobby is the least of our problems. Everyone with foresight is getting out this place. And they’re all headed to Porto, Portugal, home of the world’s most beautiful bookstore, the sanest government, and the best langostinos. A gorgeous river and unlimited sweet wine await – and the locals haven’t yet started to organize formal protests against tourists and expats.

6. Paint and Sip - My generous son and daughter-in-law treated me for Mother’s Day, and we had a blast. If you sip enough, you will believe the art teacher when she compliments your flow and perspective. Highly recommended, if you don’t accidentally dip your brush into the Sauvignon Blanc.

7. Connections – Caution: Unlike Wordle, Connections might not be optimal exercise for your brain! This game is mostly about second-guessing NYT editors who have microdosed too many ‘shrooms. Some days are a breeze (cakewalk, snap, cinch), but later in the week the red herrings cause hours of agonizing before you suddenly realize that the words snickerdoodle and shadowboxer have something in common (see my next listing for a hint).

8. Volunteering – This one’s important. I have always wanted to join the board of an adult literacy foundation, and now’s my chance. But things are so awful and out of control that I’m afraid my students will be deported. So maybe an immigrants’ rights organization? Or bring back NPR? Yikes…too many issues for one volunteer. Can I start by rescuing a support dog?

9. Fixing a Glitch in Apple CarPlay – My dear spouse is not yet semi-retired. But recently when he had a few days off from work, he adopted the challenging hobby of repairing a broken mic in my car. After several failed attempts, I reminded him that I, the least mechanical in the fam, had repaired two vehicles using YouTube videos. So he found a subreddit about my issue which proclaimed the iOS18 update was to blame. This led him to YouTube that coached him on downloading firmware (using the VIN number to identify the car) and copying the file to a USB stick. As a bonus, he discovered photos of my cousin’s Grandpa Joe on the thumb drive, so this challenging hobby can also incorporate genealogy.

10. Becoming a Senior Influencer – This is not the same as getting paid, which was a nice benefit of working. But you do get some free stuff and possibly some new subscribers.

Recently my son’s chic girlfriend noticed my ten-year-old linen cardigan and asked, “Is that vintage Eileen Fisher?” Yep, against all odds, stylish millennials are combing Brooklyn’s thrift stores looking for Eileen’s sustainable timeless creations, dubbed ‘slow fashion’ by Vogue. But if I am destined to appear on TikTok in crinkled pants with an elastic waist, I’d probably prefer Miyake.

So how about brand ambassadoring for something simpler, like Crunchy Curls Lentil and Potato Snacks from Trader Joe’s, which taste like uncooked ramen infused with a yoga pose. Very yummy and only 130 calories in 31 curls. And while crunching away, I could find some arthouse documentaries to watch, now that PBS’s days are numbered.

No word from TJs, but, lo and behold, a PR person for limited release docs reached out to me last week and I now have a screener in my possession. A perfect hobby falls in my lap. Look for a mention here before the release in July.

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The most cliched passions of all: I’m aware that for this piece I omitted gardening, birding, tango and mahjong…but sadly they are all too pricey as starter hobbies for pensioners. Getting the equipment and tilling the soil for months often produces a single eggplant that ends up costing around $700. Hunting down a grey warbler requires Nikon HG Binoculars. All the good tango teachers are in Buenos Aires and legit mahjong sets at flea markets in Hong Kong.

So, for now, I will stick with Wordle, even though they might have to resort to reusing words. Or adding plurals or past tenses. With resources drying up, Wordle will soon be a retro hobby and we’ll all revert to scrapbooking, dressed in oversized Eileen.